Tired of the bs you find in the dating scene nowadays? Do you feel a bit lost and over the whole thing, but still hope that the next relationship might be the one? Without guidance, being single and out in the dating world can be a little confusing. But bad experiences, misunderstandings, wasting yours and others’ time can all be avoided by simply paying attention to what we call RED FLAGS.

In order to be alert for red flags (and life in general), it is imperative that we develop three things ourselves first: the ability to be present, good listening skills, and the courage to ask the right questions.

Being present, like everything else, is practice, and we do this by being in touch with  our whole being: feeling the connection to your mind, body and spirit. Remember, all is one. The inner self that animates the physical being, sometimes called “the observer” or “higher self”, needs to be there to see what is happening. This real self is the only one that can actually engage, connect, and understand what is really going on from human to human, beyond good looks and physical attraction. The observer knows that you are not there to please anyone, or convince a man that you are sexy, smart, and interesting.  As if!

When the real self is present, inner calmness sets in and your mind is clear. Here is where listening comes in. YOU MUST LISTEN TO EXACTLY WHAT IS BEING SAID.  Men are simple, direct, and even when they are lying, if you are present and really listening, you will be able to identify red flags very easy. For example, if you ask a guy to describe himself in three words and one of the words is “cynic” (true story), the first thing you need to do is go to your iPhone dictionary and look up exactly what that word means (unless you already know it). What you will find out (or know) is that a cynic has a negative attitude about everything (yeah, I’ll pass on that train wreck), a quality he actually confirmed when the girl he was courting said she was vegan and he laughed at her and said, “is that even a word?” – and then proceeded to ask for her number. I mean…I just saw at least three red flags in that story. I’d be running for my life and always from his presence with no necessary explanation right there and then. Here’s a tip and tool: Right after red flag number one, say to your self in your mind “RED FLAG, GO” – then, you should say goodbye. Doesn’t matter if he is cute, or if you are super sexually attracted to him, or he is the only guy left on the planet, if there are red flags, DO NOT PROCEED. Say “next”.

How will you know the red flags? This brings us to skill number three: Asking the right questions. If you are present, you will know and feel comfortable with the fact that you are not being nosy, you are just done with the bs and ready for the real deal: real love. You want a man that is truly interested, appreciates you, and is looking for a solid commitment. If that is so, he will not make you feel awkward about it. That, for example, is another red flag: If he makes you feel awkward about anything, especially about your asking questions, just walk the other way. A man who is worth his salt will be comfortable with answering your questions, and will be refreshed to find someone who is actually interested enough to get to know him for who he really is. And those are the right questions: Not what he’s drinking, but what his life passion is (and is he currently living it), who he is and what he’s all about – anything that will let you know who you may be getting involved with beyond what he is drinking and driving.

I wont sugarcoat it for you (we never do here at HLife) this will take some work – inner work – and practice. But you will see how quickly you start weeding out the douche bags or the boys who are not ready for grown-up relationships, and get closer than ever before to a date that might be worthwhile. Girl, you only need ONE good man. Stay present, ask questions, and LISTEN to the answers. The force – love – is with us all.

Oh, and one note, for the guys:  You also need to be on the lookout for red flags from girls. If the girl says she wants a relationship with you, and you go to her stand up comedy show and her routine is all about her terrible relationships, do not be surprised when she runs the other way as you ask her to move in with you a year later. If you don’t really listen to what she is saying, you might be finding yourself saying the same phrase a friend of mine has to repeat over and over to help himself feel better after a breakup: “can’t fix crazy.” No, you can’t. But aren’t you crazy to be with crazy in the first place? Yeah, let’s think about who we get into relationships with before we proceed. The red flags are always flying. You just have to pay attention.

Have you heard of the saying, “it’s better to be alone than in bad company”? This is one my mottos. Although I am happily married, I’m constantly talking to and advising women over 30 on how to find love and maintain a healthy relationship.  Now more than ever, there are a lot more single women over 30 and although they are fabulous, they still approach love like they were back in the 1900s. These women aren’t spinsters, in fact, they are highly intelligent, gorgeous, independent women who are not looking to settle. Times have changed. I’m here to tell you that we are not living in the 1900’s anymore, that there is nothing wrong with you, that some women at this very time are divorced from unhappy marriages…and some are still in unfulfilled, dead-end marriages. That is not love and it’s certainly not what you want.

What really needs to happen to women in this planet is a mental change on how to view life, ourselves, men, society and especially, love.  And what needs to happen to men…well, they just need to step up. Women are coming into their own. They are turning into the super women that they were meant to be all along. But when it comes to love, they either act like they operated in the olden times (submissive/weak/settling) or they try to be like Samantha or Carrie from Sex and the City (which, by the way, its just a TV show with actors playing a part…not real), who slept with guys they barely knew very quickly all the time, and got no real love results until Carrie married Big 10 years later.  Ten years!!! Frankly, I do not wish that drama for any woman out there.

Know that you are amazing, that you need a mental shift, that times have changed, and that you do not have to settle. Think, think, think when it comes to love. In other words, don’t be guided by your emotions (different from feelings!) or your biological need to mate (sex/instinct, different from intuition). Always do the work in your head first, and know what kind of man you need and what it is that you need out of the relationship. Put those wants and needs on the table when in the dating world and let the right (up to par) partner step up to meet them. Look at it this way (the real way): The ones that don’t step up (even though you might be super sexually attracted to him and desperately want him to be the one, which is different from the one that actually is right for you, the one that is true love) should be classified as the weak sperm that didn’t have what it takes to make it to the egg. We are strong women, and we need even stronger men.  And when I say stronger men, I don’t mean muscles. I mean a gentleman who knows, appreciates, and understands that his woman is his counterpart (team-mate) and spiritual adviser. That is the right perspective for a real, lasting relationship.

As women get older, we go through major changes, like menopause. We are all aware  of the physical alterations our moms go through with age, but today we want to generate awareness about something deeper that is also taking place and is not discussed as much: the emotional implications of aging.

It’s a very difficult thing to look in the mirror one day and see a face that you don’t recognize. Crow’s feet, wrinkles around the mouth, spots, gray hair – all of these physical modifications replace previously flawless skin, bright eyes and lusciously thick hair. At the same time, you feel limited, because your mind remains intact (if you’re healthy) or even improves with age as you accumulate more knowledge and self-understanding, yet your body deteriorates as matter must. Even if you are aware of this happening, it is still a frustrating thing to go through.

With age comes wisdom, and you realize just then that life was made to be lived, enjoyed, not as society dictates for you, but as you decide is best for you. With age also comes experience, and lessons learned from past mistakes that allow you to know how to lead your life now. Another thing that comes with age is the idea of death. When you get older, you understand why death has to take place, as you begin to feel like perhaps you are a burden for society and maybe even for your children, who no longer depend on you, are busy, and have other things to talk about.  All of these thoughts and feelings usually occur in silence, as you don’t want to tell anyone that you are becoming aware of what aging means and don’t want to worry those you love.

Maybe it’s not even your own physical state that affects you; instead, it is others’ reactions to you that make you feel old. You’re in a conversation with younger people and you have the answers to their questions, but nobody pays attention to you because “you’re old, what do you know of the things we go through in our generation, at our age.”

With all of this in mind, we wanted to offer a few suggestions on this Mother’s Day week, for you to understand your parent and what they are feeling as one more year of life reminds them of their aging process. Here are also some recommendations for you, on what to keep in mind to prepare for this inevitable process,  and to make it a graceful and most enjoyable one.

For Mom:

- It’s really important to hang out with people your same age. You know and like the same music, same jokes of your generation, are going through similar experiences, and will find comfort in sharing and being understood.

- Financial security is crucial. You don’t want to have to deal with the added stress of having to generate income when the motivation and ability for this is dwindling. This is a time for stability and enjoying the fruits of your labor.

- Develop a spiritual foundation. Dive into the world of what is beyond the physical, explore what the eye cannot see. Read what different philosophies or schools of thought have to say about your internal world and cosmic realities. Focusing on your inner being will take focus away from the external, material things that don’t last, and will help you deal with their deterioration. If you know that there is such a thing as reincarnation, than death is not a daunting thing but a transition, not an end but a new beginning.

- Take care of your temple.  Eat antioxidant-rich foods, moisturize your face and body, wear a hat when in the sun, and exercise to maintain flexibility and especially strength of bones and muscles. Aging gracefully requires caring for your mind and body so that you can enjoy both longer.

- Continue to find ways to be useful. Maybe your kids don’t need as much care now, but perhaps someone else is in need of teachings/talents/skills you have to offer. Having purpose and a reason to wake up in the morning will help you feel energized and motivated.

- Develop hobbies and talents. It is never too late to be creative or crafty, and learning new things has the added benefit of generating dopamine in the brain (the “happy” chemical) as well as keeping the mind sharp. This is a time of less responsibility and more freedom to write that book you always wanted to write or paint that sunset. Rediscover yourself.

For Daughter/Son:

- Communication is key. Mom is going through something, and allowing her to discuss it with you is an important part of the support process. If it is too difficult to begin a conversation about the topic of aging, do it indirectly. “Interviewing” mom for a work or school project, or asking for her advice on this for a friend, can help her open up because she won’t feel like it is personal between you and her (Moms always want to avoid making us feel bad for them, sad, or “worry” us.)

- Give her the place she deserves as an elder. Our society has lost respect for the value of wisdom, something that comes with knowledge and experience, and hence, with age. Our mothers have gone through the same things we are going through now. Everyone loves, loses, wins, fails, laughs, cries, gives up, gets back up, etc…However you want to dress it up, it’s still this thing called Life. Come to her for advice. Listen to her with an open mind and interest. Allow her to impart her two cents. She will feel like she is still useful, and you will reap all of the benefits of years of experience from someone who loves you and therefore has your best interest in mind.

- See her as a human being, not an old person. Approaching someone for what you have in common (we’re all human beings) rather than what you have that is different (age, race, beliefs) makes for a completely different attitude and dynamic in relationships.

- Love your Mom. Be kind, soft, tender, nurturing, patient with her and her changes, sensitive to her needs. This is a time when we begin to parent our parents in a way, and this is a tricky balancing act. Remember that someday this will be you – how would you like your own children to treat you? As you do to others, so will be done to you.

Speaking of your own children, a note on values: The respect and loving treatment of an aging parent is something that is instilled in us as children. The fundaments of respect and love are set by example, by anecdotes that you tell and fables that you read to your children that illustrate these values, the behaviors that accompany them, and the results of this good behavior.  They may not understand ‘why’ yet, but the idea, the mold, the pattern of treatment will be there, to unfold later when it is needed.

We’ll leave you with a little anecdote our Mom told us one day:

There once was a little boy who was carving a wooden dish His parents saw this and, curious, asked him, “Son, what are you doing?”  The boy replied, “I’m carving a plate for you for when you get older and start dropping things and I need to make you eat dinner in the kitchen, in this wooden plate that won’t break. You know, just like you did with grandma.”

One day, we will be “older”. And, hopefully, we will reap the cause-and-effect rewards of a life lived respecting, loving and understanding our own mothers.  Happy Mother’s Day to all of you wonderful Moms, young, older, potential, and future – it is you that make this world what it is by raising your children to be decent and noble contributors to the human race.

Everyone wants love, but not everyone seems to find it. If we have not yet found love, it is a sign that we have some work to do internally. We are walking magnets, attracting all that we are. So, if we are not attracting love, that is because we are not at a frequency of love.

A good starting point to find what you’re looking for is to look at what you are attracting. If you’re attracting loss, it means that your life, the way you are conducting it, is in a frequency of loss. If you attract lack, it is because your life is lacking. My question for you is: Who creates your life? And the answer is obvious: You do. You make your life the way you choose to. There’s no blaming God (the Universe), or parents, or anyone else on this one. You are all grown up, no longer under your parents’ care. You are no longer a kid; you’ve left home and now it is you that is in the driver’s seat of this thing called Your Life.

So, what do we do as fearless teenagers when we set out to “live life”? The first thing is to think that we know it all, that our parents (who were born in the “olden times”) don’t know anything, and that, finally, free of them, we can truly do what we want. Finally.

In our crazy little teenage heads (and thanks to our media-crazed culture), we all fantasize about being like that actress or actor on the big screen. We want to live our lives as if we were the stars of a Hollywood movie. But the role we play will not be our own. Instead, it will be the role of that character that left a lasting impression on us: Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City, Blair Waldorf from Gossip Girl, Angelina Jolie in Lara Croft Tomb Raider, Madonna (as her public persona), etc…And we plunge head first with all the impetus of youth into the development of our very own movie. And in doing this, our first step out of the home is: LOSS OF IDENTITY.

Most of us have gone through this type of situation during adolescence, some more intensely than others and in different ways, depending on what we envisioned when we chose our life movie. So, which movie did you choose? Was it a drama? A comedy? A romantic one with the inevitable happy ending? Tragic love story? Science fiction? Fantasy?

What types of movies do you watch? What types of conversations do you have? What books and magazines do you read? In other words: What kind of “mental food” do you put in your mind?

You are what you “eat”. And you attract what you are.

If your thought is “apple”, and you feed your mind everything related to apples, you will attract apples.

And, as with every movie, the most interesting thing to see, is the way it is going to end.

There are many different ending possibilities. What would you like yours to be? For a long time, I lived in a drama. Once I understood the power of words, that I was responsible for my life, and that I could change my destiny, that I had created my life movie and that I had the power to re-create it and put things back in order, I decided to say good-bye to drama and the suffering it brings, and I made a deal with happiness.

With this in mind, what should we do to find love? We should stop looking for it. Instead of continuing to chase it (the boyfriend, the endless meaningless outings/events to find that person), let’s stop for a moment and take a good look at ourselves in order to see how we are conducting our lives, what we are surrounding ourselves with, and what is within us that we have not yet seen. With the awareness that we are what we think, let’s take a serious look at our thoughts: Are they all about passion, passion, and more passion? Sex, sex, and more sex? Need? That is not and will never be love. What are we attracting with these types of thoughts? If it is just sex, the sexual act takes but a moment; deed done, you get up, get dressed and get out. Sadly, it’s women who lose at this game, because we are the ones who link sex to sentimentality, while men simply link it to their senses. Once satisfied, a man will move on, while a woman will not because, deep down inside, she will only feel satisfied when she fulfills her true essence, which is all about tenderness, affection, consideration, respect, and the constant and true feelings – not emotions – that lead to passion.

If we understand this, we will have won the battle against ourselves, having broken the cycle of being a slave to our own passions. Love is a feeling, it is not an emotion. And feeling is strength, while emotion is frail, variable. It goes up and down, here today, gone tomorrow. Feelings surpass the ebb and flow of the tides, the tempest, trials and tribulations, and temptation. Feelings are always there, unfailing.

It is time for women to restructure our basics. And the basic essence of a woman is Love.

So, if you are hurt, it’s because you hadn’t quite understood what love really is. And the first person you need to love is YOURSELF. What does this entail? Many things. Do you eat right? Are you in a healthy and productive environment? Are you happy with your job? Are you actively seeking to be a better person? Do you do things for others? Do you thank life for what you have as well as for what you don’t have? (Life is wise and knows why it provides you with some things and not others). Do you take care of your body, your mind, and your spirit? Are you on a continuous path of mental, physical, spiritual and cultural growth? No? Then don’t complain about not finding love. Because if a man sees a woman with so many qualities and much to discuss and share, someone who has found her place in life, and who has a large capacity to give to others, believe me, he will not let her go. What’s more, a man who sees all that and likes it will only be the kind of man that has those same qualities, and only someone with those qualities will have the ability to develop a truly loving relationship. Otherwise, the only thing available will be animal instinct manifest into passion, frivolousness, and the pleasures of the senses. And, just like animals, once basic needs have been met, they will get up and move onto the next diversion.

I hope you take what you’ve read here and truly and deeply meditate upon it. You will be the only one reaping the rewards if you read, understand and APPLY THIS IN YOUR LIFE.

Translated by Maryl Celiz

]]> http://hlifemedia.com/2010/04/love-the-missing-piece/feed/ 4 http://hlifemedia.com/2010/04/interview-thomas-scheff-emotions/ http://hlifemedia.com/2010/04/interview-thomas-scheff-emotions/#comments Thu, 08 Apr 2010 10:26:27 +0000 Silvie Celiz And Maryl Celiz http://hlifemedia.com/?p=4345

When we saw Professor Thomas J. Scheff teaching about emotions on UCTV, we knew we had to talk to him. A prolific author whose books include Microsociology, Emotions and Violence, Bloody Revenge, Emotions and the Social Bond, and Easy Rider, among others, Scheff is Professor Emeritus of Sociology at the University of California, Santa Barbara and an expert on emotions and social psychology. He is also a wonderful human being whose sense of humor permeates his teachings and resonates throughout this interview, where we discuss love, anger, and what he considers the master emotion: shame.

Maryl Celiz: What is the role of emotions in health?

Thomas Scheff: I think emotions are extremely important in every day life, in therapy, in politics – and much ignored, to say the least. That is, psychotherapists very seldom train to understand their own emotions and other people’s. But that’s absolutely essential. To connect with a person, you have to be in their emotional wavelength.  You have to understand what they’re feeling, because often they can’t explain it, they can’t put it in words. And, so you have to be sensitive, more sensitive than they are, oftentimes. So, it’s a big emptiness in modern societies that we’ve kind of shrugged off emotions as if they were not important and thought is everything. If you look at the major psychology departments in the world, I think there’s one that has section on emotions. I think it’s in England. Most psychology departments have large groups of cognitive psychologists, large groups of behavioral psychologists, courses on perception, on neurology – that’s very much a fad now, the neurology of the brain. But they seldom have even one person that deals with emotions. In our campus, the psychology department has one person, who deals with facial expression, or at least that’s one of his areas – but that’s the whole extent of it. In sociology, of course, I’m the only one in our department, and in social departments. So, emotions are neglected in the academy, and in medical school and so on. It’s a mess. And I’m protesting.

Silvie Celiz: Well, we’re very happy that you’re doing that. What actually prompted your own interest in the study of emotions and the role they play in all of this?

TS: I was a conventional sociologist until I was 40. I did a book, a famous one, on labeling mental illness, which takes a strictly sociological approach, no psychology (that’s what sociologists like, they don’t want anything to do with psychology). But at 40 I had some life experiences which unearthed a whole lot of emotions that I didn’t even know were there and then I got interested in studying emotions because of my own personal experience. I mean, it was a big help for me to start crying. I didn’t know how to cry – most men don’t. I learned how to cry, I cried a whole lot to catch up. And I experienced some fear that was really intense, to catch up, because men stuff fear. They pretend that they’re not afraid because they don’t want to be called ‘cowards’ – which is a total mistake because between fear and coward there is no relationship. Anyway, I learned how to deal with my anger better than I had. I was a very angry person until I was 40. And how to deal with shame, which is the hardest of all. Shame is very difficult. But I learned to laugh at myself, which is a big help, laugh at myself instead of at other people, which I’d been doing. And in laughing at myself I found that I was very laughable in a lot of ways – ha! So, I became very emotional and I felt much better and inspired to find out more about emotions in general, not just in my case – I started dealing with emotions in my classes, with my students. And they loved it – they couldn’t get enough. So, I became a student of especially shame and anger, which are very large continents and at the time that I started they were unexplored. And I’ve had a good time, and I’m still having a good time.

MC: How do we deal with negative emotions constructively?

TS: I’ve been teaching my students how to cry, for many years. The women cry but some find that it’s painful. And very few of the men cry. So, what I do is I have them make up a list of ‘best moments’, the best moments in their lives. You ever look at the Olympic winners? Here’s a man who won a mile run, and there are these men, standing up on these pedestals and they have their medals for winning – and all three are crying. What’s that about? Those men haven’t cried in years! They’re having a best moment, and they feel like nobody’s gonna call them a sissy because they just won the Olympics. It frees them up to feel their emotions and, of course, they’re crying all the losses they had to suffer to get to that point. They hadn’t been crying about them – they save them up for that moment.

SC: So crying is more about an overwhelming experience?

TS: Yes. Overwhelming grief or fear – or shame – is very painful. So, the best moments exercise teaches you how to be in the emotion without getting overwhelmed by it. Because in the best moments you’re also back in the past when you are feeling safe – and that’s the key to dealing with emotions in a healthy way. It turns out it’s not painful. A good cry when you’re in the theater and you’re watching a good film, it feels good. It’s a good cry. Sure, it may be due to a tragedy that’s happening to a person on the screen, but you’re not that person, it’s not happening to you, and that frees your up to feel your own neglected feelings because you know you’re safe. You can get up and leave the theater if you have to. I’ve done that. It’s that being able to quit if you want that allows people to feel their feelings in a pleasurable way. It’s happened to me many times.

MC: Is there ever a danger in being so in touch with emotions that you’re overly emotional and everyone sees you as an emotional wreck?

TS: (Laughs) I cry very easily. And my wife, who understands me very well, she’s still embarrassed if I cry in public. Even though she knows that it’s OK, and it’s OK with her, and it’s good for me. But she’s still embarrassed. My kids pretend that they don’t know me if I cry in public. But I want to do it, I feel I am revealing my true self: I am sad about something that’s going on and I cry. There’s a wonderful song by Iris Dement, it’s called “No Time To Cry”. That’s the story of our civilization – we don’t have time to cry. And that’s a metaphor for we don’t allow people to feel their emotions. Crying, shaking and shivering – that’s a fear response – laughing. I’m a big laugher, don’t get me laughing. My wife is worse than me, especially her own jokes, she loves her own jokes, she’ll be on the floor laughing about something that I don’t even know that it’s funny. But it doesn’t matter what you’re laughing at as long as you’re laughing at yourself or the Universe and not at other people. Laughing at other people is hostile, it’s rejection, you’re rejecting them. If you laugh at yourself, it’s OK, you’re just saying ‘silly me, what did I do, I’ve done it again’. And it’s acceptance of yourself and your feelings. And you’ll never guess what emotion laughter is tied to in my vocabulary. Maryl, you guess.

MC: Nervousness?

TS: That’s intimately connected with the emotion but emotions are states of bodily arousal. It’s a physical thing. And being recognized rather than rejected is deeply implicated in causing this reaction. Laughter is the catharsis of a very fundamental emotion, which we don’t like to mention in our society. Silvie, you get to guess.

SC: Would it be violence?

TS: No, that’s anger or fear. In my classes, I’d ask students to get up and tell about a mistake they made in public. And they would get up and start telling, and they would get convulsed in laughter, sometimes you couldn’t even understand what they were saying because the laughter was blocking out the language. So, you make a mistake and then you need to laugh about it. What emotion is connected with making a mistake?

SC: Shame!

TS: Ah-ha! (claps) Shame is my baby. I write and talk and research and on and on about shame and its connection with withdrawal, on the one hand, which is the most common reaction and to aggression, on the other hand, which is much less common but I argue that unacknowledged shame – shame that you stuff – is at the root of either withdrawal and aggression. So, anger by itself is nothing. It’s just a frustration. But when it is combined with unacknowledged shame, it goes round and round and gets you into deep water very quick. And I’ve written a lot about that. I call shame the ‘master emotion’, because it regulates the other emotions too. Why won’t people cry when they need to cry? Well, because they’re embarrassed about crying in public (except me).

SC: So what is a good technique to master an emotion?

TS: It is best to talk to someone else, because it gives you the ability to see yourself as the other person is seeing you – we do that automatically without knowing it, we get into their heads and look at ourselves. That’s how we understand conversation, because people are very unclear and unless we do that we can’t understand the simplest conversation. But it’s that split that gives you distance from an emotion. And it’s being able to be in and out of the feeling that allows you to feel it safely – if someone is listening to you, you feel even safer, you got someone on your side, someone sympathetic, and that’s very important.

MC: What if the person you’re talking to doesn’t really understand their own emotions?

TS: Well, it is a problem, but as long as the person is sympathetic and patient – that’s very important, that they don’t get impatient, that they’re willing to hear you out – it’s helpful to just have someone else hear you out when you’re struggling with some problem. I learned that from my wife. For many years, she was a mediator in a divorce court, and it’s a very messy business because she’s dealing with some very angry people all day long. So she’d come home feeling really tense and then she’d tell me about her day. And when we first got together I thought ‘how long is this gonna go on? How come she’s telling me the same story over and over again? Blah, blah, blah’. I had to be patient, patient, patient. But then I had a brilliant idea after three months: She seems to feel better after she does that! And if she doesn’t do it, she’s still tense. So then I thought about that a while, with my brilliant, fast-moving brain, and in another three months I had another idea: I can do that too! I can talk to her about MY day. And so I started to share my time with her, and I’d tell her about my day. It would take me about two minutes. And then she’d ask me questions about my day, and I got to expand it a little bit. And then she kept asking me questions, and I kept expanding. And then I’d come to an event during the day, and I felt it as I was telling her, ‘oh! I didn’t deal with that at the time, I was too busy.’ And then I’d talk about that situation and get into the feeling that I had swallowed at the time. That was a big revelation for me and I found out that some of my days were very intense. And I was hiding a lot of the feelings that came up during the day and I could only feel them when I told my wife. And so we got off on a good start that way, because we were helping each other with difficult jobs that we both had.

SC: If I do or don’t have someone, what are some basic guidelines to help ourselves out with our emotions?

TS: When you come home from your job, you need to review your day. It’s better to review it to a sympathetic listener, but if you don’t have it, review it to yourself. Looking for best moments, that’s the way to start. That’ll encourage you to be able to deal with the bad moments. I love this conversation, I never quite put it that way before, you two are inspiring me. Can I join your team?

MC/SC: We would love that.

TS: Three persons against the world.

SC: We need more of these types of conversations and insights on how to handle our emotions.

MC: These basic understandings of our own emotions and how to communicate them to someone else are crucial for relationships too, which is something that everyone wants.

TS: When my wife and I I first got together, we used to quarrel long and hard, nasty quarrels, would go on for hours. And she was in graduate school at the time and she said to me, ‘I’m gonna study marital quarrels, because you and I are both experts’ (laughs). And I said, ‘well, how are you gonna do that?’ And she said ‘I’m gonna set up a video camera in the kitchen and i’m gonna video tape our quarrels.’ And I said, ‘that’ll never work, why don’t you do something else?’ She said, ‘like what’. I told her some harebrained idea and she rejected it. So she put a camera in our kitchen and every time we would start to quarrel she would say ‘hold on’ and she would turn on the thing, and then we would argue for about an hour or two or more. And I thought I was being very wonderful, until she showed me one of the tapes. And I said ‘Oh my God! That’s not me up there – that’s my dad!’ I used to hate it when he quarreled like that, pointing his finger and so sure of himself and acting like this, and I said ‘we can’t live like this’. And so we went to a marriage counselor and he introduced us to the idea of communicating with each other. And started us on that route, and it was a good thing because if we hadn’t done it, we would’ve split up. So, it was very personal, my experiences with emotions and with relationships. I flunked the first two marriages but I’m not gonna flunk this one.

SC: You said shame is the master emotion – is that the only one?

TS: Well, it’s a little bit of an exaggeration but what I mean is that it’s shame that keeps people feeling their other emotions, and shame itself. People are ashamed of being ashamed. They’re ashamed of being angry, even the screamers are ashamed of it. They’re ashamed of being afraid, especially men. Women aren’t as ashamed of being afraid, they’re more realistic about it. And they’re ashamed of crying, of grief. So, it helps with all your emotions if you start dealing with your shame a little, and embarrassment, humiliation. The way you do that is a little different then the others. You have to talk about it a lot at first, how you were humiliated and how you felt. And if you talk about it enough – sometimes it can take a long time – you come to see it in a humorous way. And when you see it like that, you laugh about yourself. And that takes it out of the cellar, it brings it out into the light. And most laughter at ourselves is very healthy. We need to do that in order to deal with the physical parts of shame, embarrassment and humiliation. So, what I say to people is that shame, embarrassment and humiliation are bodily preparation to laugh. You had a lot of tension in your body, which can be released by laughing. Anger – you ready for this or you want to talk shame some more?

MC: I’ve been waiting for anger.

TS: Okay. Anger is bodily preparation, well, Darwin thought it was bodily preparation to fight, and it is – you get a big shot of adrenaline in your system, which prepares you for some sort of exertion. And when I was young enough, I knew that if I ran six miles fast enough, I would burn off some of that adrenaline, and it would help me sleep at night. You ever go to bed angry and you can’t go to sleep? That’s the adrenaline pulsating, it’s a very powerful upper, as my students would say. Well, how can you metabolize all that adrenaline in 30 seconds? I’ve discovered that I can get rid of that energy in less than a minute, if I play it just right: Your body has to feel the anger, you have to feel the heat, instead of hiding it. Your anger is just an internal state, so I’m not talking about acting out anger. Animals, they have to act it out. Human beings don’t. I just say ‘I’m angry at you because’. And if they don’t understand, I say it again a little differently, because human beings don’t like to be told the same thing to an adult twice – they get mad. And if they still don’t get it, I say it again. They can’t tell I’m angry because I’m won’t look like it but I am. And as I am doing that routine, sometimes my body gets hot, and after that, I feel fine – I can take a nap right there.

SC: So what about those people who raise their voice and start screaming?

TS: They’re acting out the anger. But that doesn’t work. Experimental psychologists, one of the few things they’ve demonstrated is that acting out anger doesn’t help – it makes things worse, usually. So, it’s not a good idea. It makes the other person angry and that’s not good either. So, what you want to do is keep your voice down and say courteously but relentlessly why you’re angry. And sooner or later they’ll get that you’re angry, and they’ll apologize. They’re a little surprised that you’re angry and not showing it, but you’re showing it verbally. And that gets your body into the right place to metabolize the adrenaline. You don’t have to run the six miles. But it doesn’t work every time. I’m supposed to be an expert on this and wish I could be as good as I’m telling you about but I don’t think anyone is. If my wife is yelling at me, I have a strong tendency to yell back, and then we’re in it. And she’s over it in five minutes, but I’m not. So, I wish I could be as good as I’m telling you about but I don’t think anybody is. Sometimes I manage better. One time she yelled at me and I said ‘ouch’. And she said, ‘what?’ And I said ‘ouch’. And she said ‘what does that mean?’ And I said, ‘it means what you said hurt me. It hurts. Ouch.’ And she laughed. And I laughed. And it was over. So that’s the ‘ouch’ technique – there are thousands of more out there that I don’t know about but try it out sometime: ouch.

SC: My husband does that.

TS: He does ‘ouch’?

SC: Yes.

TS: Do you laugh?

SC: Yes!

TS: Perfect. You’re probably better at it than I am, I’m good at explaining it but I’m not that great at doing it. I’m a B- student, you’re an A+ student.

MC: If acting out anger doesn’t work, then why do we keep doing it?

TS: Well, why do we keep invading Afghanistan? Our system of government is broken. And our society is very broken with respect to these crucial matters, it’s been broken for a very long time. In the 19th Century it wasn’t as bad, people could talk about shame openly. But they don’t anymore. Shame is the ‘s’ word. You have to be very careful. When I introduce this to my students, I take a very long time to get there. First we talk about embarrassment, then humiliation – and humiliation is still safe, because people see that as coming from the outside, something is being done to you, so they’re not as spooked by it as the ‘s’ word. You can’t talk about shame openly in public, not directly. You can say ‘oh, what a shame.’ But that’s different. Shame is something that people see as internal – it’s your fault: You’re ignorant, you’re stupid, etc..we have thousands of ways of putting ourselves down, which our society teaches us to do. When we are in grammar school, we get put down a lot. teachers don’t mean to put you down – they’re trying to teach you something – but they put you down anyway. You think you’re stupid, ‘cause you can’t get the right answers.  Most teachers don’t realize they’re putting students down, they think they’re giving them the right answers.

MC: Are embarrassment and shame related to low self-esteem?

TS: Low self-esteem is a hidden way of talking about shame. Instead of ‘I’m much more ashamed than I am proud of myself’, you say, ‘I’ve low self-esteem’. We have all sorts of dodges away from the truth of what we’re actually feeling. We say ‘that was an awkward moment’ – it wasn’t me that was embarrassed, it was the moment that was awkward. We have thousands of ways of saying of overlaying what’s going on.

SC: What about love?

TS: I think of love as giving just as much value to the other person’s thoughts, feelings and behaviors as you do to your own. Here’s the hard part: no more, no less. You don’t value them more than yourself, and you don’t value yourself more than them. And that’s very, very tricky. You connect with them, and you honor the beloved, but you’re not engulfed with them. I have a book coming out about love and the balance of connecting. The key to understanding shame is relation. Shame is a relational phenomenon. Helen Lewis said that shame is a signal of threat to the bond. And pride, genuine pride, is a signal of a secure bond, of connectedness, that you’re connected with another person or persons. Shame, embarrassment and humiliation are signals of disconnect. Shame is a social phenomenon as well as an individual one. It’s about connect and disconnect. When we make a mistake, we feel disconnected. We’ve done something wrong, which disconnects you from people that are watching.

MC: How do men and women differ when it comes to emotions?

TS: I have an article about the machismo and Madonna system, about how men and women share in the repression of emotions. I put it this way: Men repress shame, grief and fear, and act out anger. A man is more likely to act out anger than a woman. Whereas a Madonna, which is the feminine equivalent of machismo, they repress anger and acts out fear. And that makes a fit, because a Madonna wants a strong man to protect her so she’ll be less afraid. And the man wants a woman who won’t get angry at him, so he can enjoy life. So it’s a repressive arrangement on both sides. And I think women are slightly less repressed than men, because the men repress fear completely. But the women are more repressed in modern society, especially with anger. Anger is a natural, organic reaction to frustration – of course they have it. And you need to know that and the other people need to know that. Women who smile too much and who say they don’t get angry, that’s repression. And any repression of emotions is going to do damage to your psyche and to your body and to your relationships. So I say, let’s get the men and the women together and get into the emotional relational world, into social emotion.

Nutrition: We now know that spices have antioxidants – oregano and others typically used in the Mediterranean diet – but who’s got the most? According to research published in the Flavour and Fragrance Journal, cloves are king when it comes to these benefits. “Out of the five antioxidant properties tested, cloves had the highest capacity to give off hydrogen, reduced lipid peroxidation well, and was the best iron reducer”, said Juana Fernandez-Lopez, one of the authors of the study. The researchers hope that the high antioxidant properties of this and other spices will make the food industry consider them for usage in preserving food, instead of using synthetic chemicals that cause toxicity and other side effects. But, until then, you can just make some clove tea for yourself and enjoy the taste as well as the benefits.

Love: To thine own self be true, said Shakespeare – and it turns out he was right, if you want a good relationship. A new study published in the journal Personality and Individual Differences examined how dating relationships were affected by the ability of people to see themselves clearly and objectively, act in ways consistent with their beliefs, and interact honestly and truthfully with others. The conclusion: If you’re true to you, better romantic relationships will follow. “If you’re true to yourself, it is easier to act in ways that build intimacy in relationships, and that’s going to make your relationship more fulfilling,” said Amy Brunell, lead author of the study. Authenticity also leads to acting less destructively with your partner, feeling like your relationship is more positive, and a sense of general personal well-being – for both men and women. Sign us up, Sherlock.

Parenting: Put those dancing shoes on…on the baby, that is. According to a study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences Online Early Edition, researchers have discovered that infants respond to rhythm and tempo of music and find it more engaging that speech at an early age, suggesting babies may be born to dance. “Our research suggests that it is the beat rather than other features of the music, such as the melody, that produces the response in infants,” said Dr. Marcel Zentner, “We also found that the better the children were able to synchronize their movements with the music, the more they smiled.” Guess you better play that funky music for your baby, white boy.

Diabetes: Men, good news for you. According to research published the journal Nutrition and Metabolism, selenium may be a key nutrient in protecting you against diabetes. The study that included both men and women found that men whose plasma selenium concentrations were highest had a significantly lower risk of developing dysglycemia over the following years. The same did not happen for women, which may be due to many factors like possible differences in how men and women’s bodies process this trace mineral. Looking for a selenium source? Brazil nuts are the highest by far, containing almost ten times the amount found in either tuna or beef.

Psychology: Bullies can be shy, too, says a study. According to research published in Current Directions in Psychological Science, there is a subset of adults diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder who, rather than manifest their anxiety with inhibitive or submissive behavior, act out violently. Parents and teachers might think their kid is a bully because he has a conduct disorder but it may actually be extreme fears of being judged that is the cause, says researcher Todd Kashdan. “In the adult world, the same can be said for managers, co-workers, romantic partners and friends. It is easy to misunderstand why people are behaving the way we do and far too often we assume that the aggressive, impulsive behaviors are the problem. What we’re finding is that for a large minority of people, social anxiety underlies the problem,” said Kashdan. He also said training people to be more self-disciplined in all aspects of their lives improves will power and may be a technique to modify this behavior.

Sex: Cat calls hurt everyone, says a new study. Research published in the journal Sex Roles found that the actions of one sexist man affects not just the woman he is making remarks to, but also female bystanders, whose feelings and behavior toward men in general are greatly impacted by this indirect action. “Women are obviously implicated because they suffer direct negative consequences as targets of prejudice and, as the current work demonstrates, indirect consequences as bystanders. But sexism also harms men as well. Whenever a single man’s prejudiced actions are attributed to his gender identity, male perpetrators impact how women view and react to men more generally,” said Stephanie Chaudoir and Diane Quinn, authors of the study.  In other words, sexist remarks ruin it for the offended woman, other women witnessing, and the men who will then be judged by these women according to one sexist man. Help a sister – and a brother – out and keep it respectful.

Green Living: The latest survey of existing data about the hazards of plastic to human health and the ecosystems we depend on are sobering. According to research published in the Annual Review of Public Health, the annual production of plastic would fill a series of train cars encircling the globe. Adverse effects to human health remain unclear and controversial, though BPA and phthalates used in making stuff like water bottles and food packaging can leach out over time and are known to be toxic. As recently as this January, the FDA has expressed concern for potential effects of BPA on the brain, behavior and prostate gland of fetuses, infants and children. The author of the study said that we are at a critical time to change into more healthy and sustainable materials to replace plastic and its harm to us and the environment.

Psychology: Looks like Trevor McKinney was right – paying it forward does work. Much in like the 2000 film with Kevin Spacey and Helen Hunt, a study done by UC San Diego and Harvard has now provided laboratory evidence that cooperative behavior is contagious and that it spreads from person to person. As illustrated by the experiment where strangers played a game, when people benefit from kindness, they “pay it forward” by helping others who were not originally involved, and this creates a cascade of cooperation that influences dozens more in a social network. “The flow of good and desirable properties like ideas, love and kindness is required for human social networks to endure,” said Nicholas Christakis, co-author of the study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. “In turn, networks are required for such properties to spread. Humans form social networks because the benefits of a connected life outweigh the costs.”

Food: According to research presented at the AACR Dead Sea International Conference on Advances in Cancer Research, seaweed extract may be a key to treating lymphoma, a cancer of the immune system. The researchers looked into a new treatment strategy using active compounds derived from a commercially available seaweed extract, basing their hypothesis on previous studies that reported that fucoidan, a sulfated polysaccharide found in seaweeds, had anti-tumor activity in mice and some cell lines. They found the extract had an inhibitory effect on lymphoma cells, but left healthy cells intact.

Love: Breaking up is hard to do, and there’s more to that than we previously thought. According to research published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, when a relationship ends, an individual’s self-concept is vulnerable to change too. The study found that after a breakup, individuals have reduced self-concept (a person’s sense of “me”) clarity, which can contribute to emotional distress. Because romantic partners develop shared friends, activities and overlapping self-concepts, the loss of the relationship has multiple psychological consequences, including the tendency for people to change part of who they are as well as the feeling that their selves are less clear and even smaller.

Cancer: Papaya may stop the growth of cancer cells, says a new study. Researchers from University of Florida and Japan have documented papaya’s anticancer effect against a broad range of lab-grown tumors, including cancers of the cervix, breast, liver, lung and pancreas. They used an extract made from dried papaya leaves, and found that the anticancer effects were stronger when cells received larger doses of the tea. “Based on what I have seen and heard in a clinical setting, nobody who takes this extract experiences demonstrable toxicity; it seems like you could take it for a long time as long as it is effective,” said Nam Dang, M.D., Ph.D., lead author. The study was published in the Journal of Ethnopharmacology.

Green Living: Looks like corn may not be the fuel answer. Research published in the March issue of BioScience indicates that an increased production of this potential biofuel would trigger land-use changes that would boost carbon dioxide emissions.  In other words, in trying to produce the corn needed for fuel, the amount of land that would be turned to maize crops would generate enough greenhouse gas emissions to cancel out the benefits of the corn ethanol on global warming.

Exercise: Good news for lazy bums and busy bees – less is now more when it comes to working out. According to new research published in the Journal of Physiology, short duration high-intensity training (HIT) is a time-efficient and safe alternative to traditional types of moderate long term exercise. “Doing 10 one-minute sprints on a standard stationary bike with about one minute of rest in between, three times a week, works as well in improving muscle as many hours of conventional long-term biking less strenuously,” said Martin Gibala, author of the study. HIT means doing a number of short bursts of intense exercise with short recovery breaks in between, here shown to be equally as effective as conventional time-consuming endurance training, which means the “no time” excuse is out the window.

Heart: Preventing and treating heart disease could be as simple as supplementing with Vitamin D. According to two new studies presented at the American College of Cardiology scientific session, there is a link between levels of this vitamin and chronic diseases such as cardiovascular, diabetes, high blood pressure, depression and kidney failure. The role of Vitamin D in bone strength through its interplay with calcium is known, but this is the first study to show its connection to heart disease, and to suggest the need for more of this vitamin in the diet than previously thought. Vitamin D is also available to the body through sunlight (20-30 minutes of sun exposure can provide up to 10,000 IU) but it is important to remember to use sunscreen and avoid the hottest parts of the day to protect skin from harmful UV rays and skin cancer.

Valentine’s Day photo courtesy of Warner Bros Pictures

Can a movie help you lower your carbon footprint? According to the star-studded cast of the romantic comedy Valentine’s Day, the answer is yes. During an HLife interview, actors Ashton Kutcher, Jessica Alba, Jamie Foxx, Jessica Biel, Julia Roberts, Jennifer Garner and Shirley MacLaine weren’t at all shy about answering questions about health, romance, the difference between men and women, V-Day plans, and, of course, the eco-conscious Warner Brothers movie set.

With so many health-conscious stars in the room – Jennifer Garner said she loves farmers markets while Jessica Biel told us that, even though she still eats meat once in a while, she is almost vegetarian and her favorite thing about Los Angeles is the organic vegan restaurant Real Food Daily, an HLife fave as well – we had to ask: How can we make this Valentine’s Day a healthy one? Making the connection between healthy and green, Kutcher took the opportunity to tell us all about WB’s solar-powered sets, a first in the movie industry. “I think watching this movie is a healthy Valentine. We had a green set, so there was a lot of dedication and hard work that went in on this movie to using solar panels to create energy and recycling, and, you know, due to the fact that the movie was shot in LA ,it actually made that an easier thing to make happen. In some ways it worked out and in some ways it didn’t but I think that, you know, every opportunity that we have in our industry to make what we’re doing a sort of more environmentally conscious effort is a good thing. So, I think this movie was mostly a green movie, so coming and supporting a movie that was made that way, I think can contribute to that happening.”

Jessica Alba added her two cents, for health: “And get popcorn – a lot of fiber.” Alba, who is known for cooking her baby’s food from scratch and being a fan of reading science journals, told us she feeds baby Honor Marie a very healthy diet, “All of her pasta is spelt or quinoa. It’s been a way to introduce protein in her diet, and she only drinks almond milk that has no sugar in it. And everything is organic.” So, we’re guessing this smart, all-organic Mom would be talking about organic popcorn at the movies, too (See post Why Organic?) Excellent.

When it comes to romance, Alba told us she definitely married her best friend (Cash Warren), but she says she hardly finds time as a couple now that she has the baby. But Julia Roberts, with three kids, certainly does, and she said the key to this is: “My kids go to bed at 7:30 p.m.”

“Mine goes to bed at 7 p.m., but I’m usually too tired, unfortunately, for romance,” replied Alba.

Garner, who is married to Ben Affleck and has two kids, offered a new perspective, similar to what our most recent Dear HLife article proposed: “You change the definition of romance. Romance is romance, but in addition, romance can just be breakfast over the tops of heads and just getting through the day, you gotta make that be romantic.”

Alba agreed. Little things, every day things, definitely count as romance. “We’re pretty spontaneous, like she said, we try to squeeze in a smooch here and there, a little card, you know, a note to say I love you, I kinda do that randomly.”

As far as Valentine’s Day’s plans, Roberts, married to Daniel Moder, offered her own version of a marathon: “We’re just gonna be making out. The full 24 hours.”

Funny as she is, Roberts gave the most sensible, practical answer to what the key to a successful relationship is: “Two people who work at it – that’s what works.”

“Communication is a big one,” said Alba. And the final words of female wisdom came from Shirley MacLaine: “I think the thing that makes a successful marriage in a successful city is that you know who YOU are.” Indeed.

But the guys were not to be outdone when it came to words from the wise, this time from Kutcher, whose wonderful marriage to Demi Moore is often revealed via loving and supportive Tweets: “I think the interesting thing about it is that, when it comes to love, everybody wants to receive it, but at the end of the day, you don’t get to receive it until you start to give it. And I think that, as it goes for anything in the world, what you give is what you will receive.” If you want love, you gotta give love first.

The ultimate Valentine’s Day advice for the guys came from Jamie Foxx: “Guys say you put so much work in during the year, so why is this day important? Women are built differently. You gotta know those dates, even if you have to put them in your cell phone. Know the dates, know the birthdays, all of it, the anniversary – women will make anniversaries, you know, like ‘This is our first time we went to Boa’ and you’re like, ‘What? What’s that?’ And she’s like ‘You don’t remember that? We go there all the time.’ So you gotta always be on the lookout, write all those dates down. And the most important thing is, just four or five days before that date, get something going, so that when that date comes, you’re prepared. And then, you could blow it for the rest of the year. See, guys are thinking the wrong way!”

Everyone laughed, but Julia had to clarify for the guys, from a girl’s point of view: “Just do it all. Do it on the day, and do it all year long.” We totally agree.

Valentine’s Day opens today.

Single Ladies: What are you doing? Literally, what are you doing at this moment, today, with your lives? Are you dreading the upcoming V-Day?  Or are you too busy living your life to have even noticed it?

Here’s a suggestion, in no uncertain terms, because we don’t sugarcoat it for you here at HLife: Instead of thinking about a day that will come and go, LIVE YOUR LIFE. Live it to the fullest, now. Do the things you dream of doing “someday” TODAY. Travel. Write. Climb that mountain. Start that business. Conquer yourself. Get informed and make the world a better place by treating yourself better. Change your attitude toward Mother Nature. None of this can happen unless you make it happen.

In case you haven’t noticed (’cause you’ve been too busy wallowing over not having a valentine) what you, single lady, have right now is that very precious commodity that everyone is after: TIME. You have all your time to yourself to do what you will. So, again, I ask you, what are you doing today? What are you doing with your time on Earth?

If you’re not loving your life and are biting your fingers over a holiday, you’re not living your life today. Wake up, ladies. There is a life to be lived, a world to improve, a message to spread, an enterprise to nurture into fruition, an adventure to explore. It is called YOU. This is what love is all about: Love YOU first. Everyone says it and I’ll say it again: Fall in love with you, your thoughts, your decisions, your actions, your life.

Here is what you really want, when you say you want love:

You want to think, say and do all the things that are in alignment with who you truly are as a human being.

You want to BE YOURSELF 100% AND EXPRESS THAT 100%.

You want to, if you don’t already know, discover who you are. Question, research, try and err, create, erase, modify, tweak, add color, sing, dance, play – do what you need to do to find out what makes you tick. (By the way, if you don’t know who you are, how is anyone else supposed to know and love you?)

You want to stop making excuses and pointing fingers and take responsibility for your life. At any given moment, even in captivity and under duress, you have the choice of acting or reacting to a situation. If you don’t like how you act or how you react, then work to change that. But get on the horse and ride it – no more standing by and watching.

You want to start trusting yourself and your feelings. I think a lot of women dismiss their intuition as second-rate to a more masculine ideal, like logic. WRONG. Intuition is truth without the need for a logical explanation. It leads you directly to the truth, all at once. Logic, a left brain activity touted by a patriarchal society as the ultimate superior indicator of truth, is a process. And like every process, it can go wrong at any given step. You can start with a bad premise and take it, logically, to an end result. But , because you started off wrong, you will not get to the truth, even if the whole process is correct. Or, you can start with the right premise, and make a mistake somewhere in the logical steps, and you will end up, again, with a result that is not the truth (but it has logic). Trust your intuition. TRUST YOURSELVES. Trust that you are made the way you are for a reason, and that YOU KNOW THE ANSWERS ALREADY.

You want to start being honest with yourself and others. Oftentimes you know from the start that someone is not right for you, that the relationship you are about to enter is not going to work out. You see the red flags. Something doesn’t feel quite right. But, regardless, there you are, cozy and chummy. And then, a few months later, the inevitable breakup comes. And you act surprised. The only bad thing about this is that you could be insane for acting surprised at something you already knew was coming. Get real with yourself – and with that poor fellow who invests his feelings as much as you do and depends on your wise intuition to tell him the truth he cannot see – and act in accordance with what you truly think. If you don’t like something, don’t do it. If you don’t like someone, don’t date him just ’cause you’re lonely. If you see something, say what you see and what you think. Everyone will not like what you say, or maybe even who you are. But you’re not alive on this planet to please people. You’re here to be exactly what you were created to be: YOURSELF. I guarantee you someone will take note of that – and like it.

You want to see this time with yourself as a precious present, for the gift that it truly is, to get to know yourself, and to get to share that freely with the world.

I would venture to say that all the single ladies have a lot to do. Do what you want and will, and enjoy it. It’s not love until you’re enjoying it. Find that enjoyment, and you will find true love.

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