Dear HLife: What’s the Recipe for Romance  in a Long-term Relationship?

Dear HLifer,

People have a tendency to think that, in a beginning relationship, or one that has lasted only a few months, it is easier to be romantic because everything is so new and undiscovered. This is the kind of thinking that sets people up for failure and disappointment. Here is the problem: In general, many people’s view of romance is limited, probably due to  ideas from TV  and  film. Some think romance is sex; some seem to think that if there are no candles or food involved, romance is non-existent; others think that romance can only be experienced away from your everyday life (like during a trip or while taking a vacation). To keep the romance alive in a long-term relationship, this old mentality needs an update.

Romance is not what you are doing or where you are, it’s what you feel when you are in the presence of that special person no matter where you are or what you are doing.  You can be having a candlelight dinner watching the sun set into the ocean and not feel any romance at all simply because of who you are with or how that person makes you feel.  We have been programed to think that being in a dimly lit place or doing some special activity with your partner equals romance, but real romance is what goes on every day between you and someone you love, beneath all the words, actions and all the little moments shared. What I’m saying is that there is no romantic Valentine’s Day without the romance the other 364 days of the year. It’s the day-to-day that makes your life as a couple romantic.  It’s both people enjoying one another on every level. For example, I think it’s super romantic when my husband and I share a cup of herbal tea together, in the morning, while still in our pj’s. We laugh, we do little things for one another to make each other’s lives easier, better, and we both appreciate one another for that.

When you are in a long-term relationship, it is actually easier to be romantic, because you really know your partner.  You know what ticks them off, what they like and don’t like, what they need, how to push their buttons and how to make them go, “Aww, honey, that’s so sweet of you.” Here is the doozy: Romantic love is a two-way street, with both people giving and receiving both love and romance. So, gentlemen: Woo your woman daily, ask if she needs help with the cooking or picking-up of something she is missing from the store, tell her she is beautiful every day (we don’t get tired of hearing it…unless you are lying), offer her a foot rub, tell her to take a break ’cause you’ll make (or bring) dinner, offer her a chamomile tea, laugh with her, make her life easier, hug her daily, make her happy – and communicate! And ladies: Tell your man how much you appreciate him, offer him a back rub, feed him his favorite (but healthy) meal, nurture him and smother him with kisses, make the house a palace and be his queen, give him support, laugh with him, leave him a cute note at his desk, feel sexy and flirt with him, make yourself happy – and communicate! My husband always says: “Happy wife, happy life”.  Great motto.

The bottom line is this: There is nothing more romantic, and no better way to keep the flame alive, than being married to your best friend.

Ingredients for Romance:

♥ Respect
♥ Details (the little things do matter)
♥ Unselfishness
♥ Giving
♥ Honesty
♥ Sense of humor (Laughter)
♥ Love
♥ Commitment
♥ Affection
♥ Caring
♥ Communication

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I often encounter individuals thirsty for what they call “love”.  Everyone wants love, someone to share his life with, someone to complete hers. The problem is, most people’s idea or concept of love is distorted (see post “What Is Love?”.) In my observation, and generally speaking (not naming any names!) the main three reasons people get into a relationship are: 1) They are “hot” for one another (passion) 2) Convenience (status, money, looks, “good on paper”, superficial things,) 3) They are lonely, and something is better then nothing, right?  Wrong. Obviously, you have to be attracted to the person, but you also have to know (and be honest with yourself) if the attraction is all you have. Attraction is a must, but it’s not all, and most certainly not enough. It may be an ingredient of a relationship, but can we make an amazing meal/recipe with just one ingredient? Didn’t think so.  The key here is being in the right relationship, for the right reasons.  But what is a “right relationship”? And what are the “right reasons”?

Right Reasons To Be In A Relationship:

• ♥ When you are ready to share your life with someone and that person fits in your life and you fit in theirs. Like the piece of a puzzle: just fits naturally and easily.
• ♥ Not because you need that person in order for you to BE someone, but because you are something GREATER together.
• ♥ Because you stand alone as a beautiful color, yet together, you compliment each other so well that you can make more (new) beautiful color combinations.
• ♥ Because life is soooooo much better with that person by your side and in your life.
• ♥ You are able and willing to work.  I’m not gonna sugarcoat it for you, the truth is that relationships are like a job (requiring time, effort, best-foot-forth mentality, effective communication, compromise, weekly/daily meetings, etc…) but it’s a job you like and want, because it is so worth it. But you are there to work, my friend.  Work equals growth. And relationships are all about growth.
• ♥ Because there is no place you would rather be.  You want to be there – it’s your choice.  Even with the pet peeves and all, you still want to be there.
• ♥ When the things that bug you about that person are so small and insignificant compared to the things you love about that person.  (All of us on Planet Earth are imperfect, otherwise, why are we here? We are here to work, once again…FUN!)
• Because it challenges you to grow, and in so doing, forces you to bring out the best in you.
• For love (read our post What Is Love?)

Components Of The Right Relationship:

• ♥  Open and Honest Communication: You have to be yourself – and express that.  Never keep things inside, SAY THEM.  You have to let someone know who you are and how you are feeling. You can’t keep things bottled up.  Express your thoughts and feelings with respect and sincerity. BE YOURSELF, always, no matter what the cost (people-pleasing does not lead to true love.)  We are constantly changing, and evolving (hopefully.) So, how are you supposed to get to know someone, how is that person supposed to know new aspects of who you are, if the lines of communication are not constantly open and flowing? Remember, we cannot love what we do not know.
• ♥ Patience and Understanding: In a relationship, these two words have to go together like birds of a feather. We can only understand what we know, and once we know and understand why, how, and where the other person is coming from, we can then love that person.  We have to remember that each person is an individual, a whole Universe in his or herself, so each one of our approaches is bound to be different as we all come with our own ways of doing things. People are used to a particular routine, and they might get irritated, not because of you, but because of their own issues. That’s where patience comes in.  I’m not saying to put up with Scrooge McDuck or angry smurf, ’cause homie don’t play that.  I’m saying, take a deep breath, be compassionate, and try to empathize. BOTH individuals need to be on this wagon of patience, understanding, open communication with respect, sincerity, etc.. It takes two to tango (can’t dance with someone that won’t dance with you) and everyone has something valuable to bring to the table, whether you realize it or not.  Again, we cannot understand what we don’t know…. Get to know the person you are with before you get physically involved, to see if you can even understand or “get” them.
• ♥ Sharing Common Interests: Two people don’t have to have the same job, but you do have to enjoy some of the same things on your time off (which, hopefully, is your time together.) Movies, culinary adventures, cuddling on the couch, going to the beach, sharing a nice glass of kombucha while listening to a little jazz in the background – whatever tickles your fancy – you have to have things that BOTH of you like to do and can do together. Again, I’m not saying it’s a deal breaker if you have different hobbies, but (for example) if you love to do things that he/she doesn’t like and won’t participate in, he/she is either gonna get bored and will not be happy spending this time together or, worse, he/she will do something else – without you. Independence is fantastic, but if two people are doing stuff on their own all of the time because they don’t share any of the same interests…you see my point. There are all sorts of people out there.  Pick the one you love spending time with, and that likes spending time with what you spend the most time with, too.
• ♥ Have Quality “just the two of us” Time:   Make special time for intimacy and dates…even if you have been married for centuries and have oodles of babies and responsibilities.  Have fun just the two of you, like buddies, best friends, and lovers.
• ♥ Listen:  Sometimes you have to get out of your own head and listen to what the other person is saying.  When you really listen, that’s where and when you actually continue to get to know someone, and understand who they really are.  Individuals who are selfish, narcissistic, energy-vampire types and have overly stimulated nervous systems (because of poor nutrition or because they have not worked on their selves) are really bad listeners.  Watch out for them, and run in the other direction if you encounter one.
• ♥ Be a Team Player: It’s not I, it’s WE.  It’s not just about you. Its about what’s best for the two of you, as a growing couple.  We’re not saying lose your individuality. A relationship is a triangle: you, him/her, and US. When it comes to decisions, think for two, discuss it, take the other into consideration, especially when the person is not present. That’s a relationship – the focus is now US, and you must have constant consideration for the other person’s thoughts, opinions, needs, and wants.  Each person will always have his or her own opinion and its OK if it’s a different one (remember each person is a different Universe,) but you have to be ready to team play and compromise every now and then. A healthy relationship means you are on the same team, rooting for the same colors, working for the same company, but each individual brings his and her own different and unique skills to the table.  Goooo TEAM LOVE !!
• ♥ Commitment to Growth: Both must be committed to personal growth, evolution, spiritual growth (see the Spirituality: What A Concept post, to understand what we mean by spirituality.) You cannot see, feel, or touch love, you just know its there or it isn’t, which makes it a part of the ethereal reality that belongs to the SPIRIT. It is important for both individuals in the relationship to share and have a commitment to growth, share those experiences of mental orgasms where you understand something profound and moving, for you to tell one another what you’ve learned individually, and for you to learn together. Growing individually but together gives the relationship a stronger bond, more strength, flow, and unity. It is important to be thought-energies that are willing to work and develop an environment of knowledge, understanding and Love, which expands into beautiful, positive, high-frequency vibrations that raise the frequency of the planet – and that have a positive effect on you and your relationship.  We’ve all heard of “growing apart”.  This is the opposite of that.  It’s about growing individually and together, keeping an eye on this process and making the decision to always nurture growth.
• ♥ Know and Be Yourself:  Know and stand by your likes and dislikes. Have your non-negotiables – and stand by them.  In the movie 27 dresses, one of the characters pretends to be a vegetarian, to like dogs and sports, all because the guy she wanted liked those things, and she wanted him to like her. But the truth was that she hated all of those things, and, eventually, the truth came out.  Be upfront from the beginning. Show your true colors.  You can’t please people in order to be liked if doing so means compromising who you really are.  The world has so many different realities. Know that you will find places, people, and mentalities where you fit in by being you – and others where you won’t.  It is so amazing when you are being yourself and someone else comes along who actually likes who you are, enjoys the same kinds of things like foods, music, concepts, places..someone who “knows exactly what you mean”…’cause you are on the same frequency and vibration. Here is where you have the chance to become best friends – and really like each other so that someday you can honestly say “I love you!” – and meant it. ♥♥
• ♥ Consciousness and the Law of Cause and Effect:  It is crucial to be aware of the fact that the choices we make always have a consequence, and that we have to be ready to take full responsibility for that.  And when we’re in a relationship, what you do doesn’t just come to back to you, it comes back to US. Here is where trust comes in. For me, trust is earned – you have to show me that you can be trusted, by the actions and choices that you make.  You can only have control of the things YOU do. You will set your own track record – and when you’re in a relationship, that record will effect the quality of your relationship. Consciousness (awareness) plays as big part of this because it helps you make wiser decisions.  When you make conscious choices, well thought-out decisions that weigh the outcomes, you know what’s coming and what effect your choices and decisions will have on you and on your partner (because when you love someone, if you suffer, I suffer too by knowing that you’re in pain.) The word “conscious” means con (with) + scious (science, to know) = “with knowledge”, “knowing with certainty”, “being aware”. So, be aware of what you are doing – to yourself and to your relationship.

There you have it.

How do we get a “right relationship”?:   BE TRUE TO YOUR SELF. Program and apply all of this advice.  It’s been tested (by me and my husband) and has gotten great results.  Also, definitely know, or have an idea of, what you are looking for in someone (inside and out, my friend) and keep that vision in your mind. Be true to that vision in your mind. And be realistic about where this person would be: Is it somewhere you would even be interested in being?  When visualizing where this person might be, ask yourself, “Is this a place where I would be myself? Would I find myself there on my own time because I like being there?” Always remember: Like attracts like. If you don’t like what you are attracting, then it’s time for you to change some things within yourself.  Everything we attract is a direct projections of ourselves.

Also, CUT THE FAT. This is very important.  If you meet someone and you can see after a date, or a month, that it is not really going to go anywhere, and it doesn’t feel right, then cut things off and move on.  You will be doing yourself and the other person a favor, because BOTH of you deserve the feeling of being thrilled to be with each other.  And let me make this very clear to those pining after someone who won’t reciprocate: If the wanting to be in a relationship is one-sided, wake up: THAT IS NOT A RELATIONSHIP.  Don’t be blinded by what’s in front of you. Instead, make a commitment to wait for what’s right.  Relationships require work, but making the person want to be with you should not be part of that work.  If it’s a struggle, don’t fight it; let it go. Always work with the laws of the Universe and Nature (refer to our post Universal Laws: Where Science Meets Spirituality)  and go with the flow.  Look at the waves…ebb and flow… it’s the Universe saying, “Things come and go, but don’t worry: The right one is still out there for you.”

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